I Am Not Pretty

I have spent my entire life as a living disappointment. My first family dumped me off, but kept the other kids. With my second family it was conditional: we only love you if you look beautiful ie thin, behave, like what we like, marry some man, make a zillion dollars, be pretty, but quiet, keep secrets, wear what we like, look pretty, on and on... The moment you break the conditions, you are no longer any relation or of use to us. A while back I posted what I call "my most picture" just to see what people would say. I was at the the most dangerously skinny point in my life, engaged to the man of my families dreams, and growing that funny hair you get when your anorexia is consuming your existance. If I am not mistaken it was the year I didn't eat a single slice of cake, yep not even my birthday cake. On the outside I was the dutiful daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend, and fiancée. On the inside I was slowly killing myself and with approval. No one said hey you look too thin or are you ok? So when I posted this photo from my 24th year recently, people applauded and left the pretty remarks on "my most picture" see below photo below: 

This kind of beauty came with a price. As of today I have the worst teeth you could imagine, all the acid "reflux" destroyed the enamel of my teeth...hence I no longer smile in photos. My metabolism after all that abuse has all but shut down. Now that I am in my forties it is even worse. My knees and hips always hurt from over exercising and burning away the cartilage from trying to be the right girl. My nail beds are covered in ridges from poor nutrician. Even on my best days I am always exhausted, but I try and push on. I still have issues eating in public to this day. Don't get me started on my feet...this is what they don't tell you...you lose too much weight it is also taken from the soles of your feet. That lovely cushy padding...mostly gone. Since then it has been just awful. I finally donated all my super skinny clothes...it was a painful reminder of my "perfect life" oh and not because I wasn't that thin anymore, it was because then by all appearances I was suitable to loved and or accepted....and today well not so much. People don't realize the damage they do by emphasizing beauty in childhood and young adulthood. I grew up feeling like a an accessory  or a handbag..completely empty.  So far my osteoporosis checks have come back ok over the years...oh yay another bonus health issues are starting frequent my body more... I am not too crazy about the me today, but it's a work in progress. So please don't take it the wrong way If I don't jump up and hug you for "pretty compliments" They mean nothing to me these days. I will admit that I still have a few looks left, and am happy for that. Life is difficult enough, but when you feel like a trick pony, it makes it just awful!

Thanks for checking out this post.

Cheers, 

Stacy M. Frett