I Am Not Pretty

I have spent my entire life as a living disappointment. My first family dumped me off, but kept the other kids. With my second family it was conditional: we only love you if you look beautiful ie thin, behave, like what we like, marry some man, make a zillion dollars, be pretty, but quiet, keep secrets, wear what we like, look pretty, on and on... The moment you break the conditions, you are no longer any relation or of use to us. A while back I posted what I call "my most picture" just to see what people would say. I was at the the most dangerously skinny point in my life, engaged to the man of my families dreams, and growing that funny hair you get when your anorexia is consuming your existance. If I am not mistaken it was the year I didn't eat a single slice of cake, yep not even my birthday cake. On the outside I was the dutiful daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend, and fiancée. On the inside I was slowly killing myself and with approval. No one said hey you look too thin or are you ok? So when I posted this photo from my 24th year recently, people applauded and left the pretty remarks on "my most picture" see below photo below: 

This kind of beauty came with a price. As of today I have the worst teeth you could imagine, all the acid "reflux" destroyed the enamel of my teeth...hence I no longer smile in photos. My metabolism after all that abuse has all but shut down. Now that I am in my forties it is even worse. My knees and hips always hurt from over exercising and burning away the cartilage from trying to be the right girl. My nail beds are covered in ridges from poor nutrician. Even on my best days I am always exhausted, but I try and push on. I still have issues eating in public to this day. Don't get me started on my feet...this is what they don't tell you...you lose too much weight it is also taken from the soles of your feet. That lovely cushy padding...mostly gone. Since then it has been just awful. I finally donated all my super skinny clothes...it was a painful reminder of my "perfect life" oh and not because I wasn't that thin anymore, it was because then by all appearances I was suitable to loved and or accepted....and today well not so much. People don't realize the damage they do by emphasizing beauty in childhood and young adulthood. I grew up feeling like a an accessory  or a handbag..completely empty.  So far my osteoporosis checks have come back ok over the years...oh yay another bonus health issues are starting frequent my body more... I am not too crazy about the me today, but it's a work in progress. So please don't take it the wrong way If I don't jump up and hug you for "pretty compliments" They mean nothing to me these days. I will admit that I still have a few looks left, and am happy for that. Life is difficult enough, but when you feel like a trick pony, it makes it just awful!

Thanks for checking out this post.

Cheers, 

Stacy M. Frett

Live, Nude, Woman or Why I Work As A Life Model

Drawing by Joy Thomas 2013

Yes, I wrote "Live Nude Woman" in the title. I work as a life model for drawing and painting classes. The human body is a beautiful creation and I am not ashamed of my form. It has changed since I began in the early 90s, but that is part of the aging process. I started off as a drawing student in college. I needed to make extra money for art supplies and one of my teachers suggested I give it a try. For some reason I had no problem getting up there and allowing others to draw me without clothes. Back in the day I made $4.25 an hour and it had a certain flexibility with my class schedule that most jobs didn't. Many people including some of my family told me not to tell anyone that I did this to make a living in school. Why should I feel shame or embarrassment because of this kind  of work. Actually I feel empowered by posing for classes. Society sends messeges to woman that they need to achieve perfection and try to make women feel less than when they don't.  I have to say there is so much beauty in the imperfect form and a certain quiet strength needed to get past the crap! I am very good at what I do and proudly have it on my resume. I am however, sick and tired of the shaming behavior by people outside of the arts. There was a time when I almost fell pray to that sort of repressed mentality. Luckily I was reminded that this is a respectable profession and my gift is to inspire artists in their creative aspirations. It also gave me a wonderful view of what the model really does for a class. I worked harder as an art student and as a model. Today I am still working as a life model and making more money than when I started. It is still a great job to have, my body gets tired faster, but then again I am 20 plus years older.now. The students don't seem to mind drawing me and have thanked me for being so professional. I also model for an older group of artists at the Murray Art Guild. They are so kind and supportive of all the models there. I really enjoy my time with them to. I am a feminist and do not consider this type of work degrading or objectifying. The body in all forms is beautiful and has a right to be celebrated! There is no shame in being a life model. 

Cheers,

Stacy Frett

Artist, Photographer, and Life Model